What a Secondary Caregiver Wants You to Know

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on

earth. - Muhammed Ali

I have been hired to help you with your loved one. I want to do this work. Whether it is because I am wounded, feel a need to do service work, am not qualified for other work, or am doing this to supplement my income, I am here to help. If I show up, it means I want to try to help you. It means I am willing to make a minimal wage, or just a little higher than minimum wage—with few, if any, benefits -- and I want to help. If you are not getting any other message from me being here, it is that I want to help.

I may be grieving someone I love. Chances are I have experience caregiving for that person or someone else close to me. Sometimes I think I help because it helps me. I feel a need and desire to do this. I may not be formally trained (most of us watch videos when hired by an agency to do caregiving, and that is the extent of training), so I get most of my knowledge on the job by providing care.

Imagine my job. I do what you are unable to do, do not want to do, or do not care to do. I may be young, or older, but I am working and trying to make a living. My hair and appearance may be foreign to you, but I am a person with feelings and problems just like you. My upbringing may be different, but my value for providing a service to others is high. How I feel and how I am treated is reflected in your loved one’s care. If you are kind to me, I feel confident and wanted here. In that way, I am just like everyone else. I strive to be appreciated and want to make a difference in your day. My experience during my assignment here, for however long or short, influences my day, too.

I heard once that we need to believe that everyone is doing the best they can. I do not always buy into that, but when I come into your house, I am trying to do a good job. You may want me to do all kinds of things in addition to caring for your loved one—like the dishes, unloading the dishwasher, folding and putting away clothes, changing the bed, taking out the trash, ironing, watering plants, etc. I will try to do these things but may not have time for all of them. My purpose here is to care for your loved one and you. Remember, I may not be good at all these tasks. And I may not be good at remembering all these things you want me to do when I come.

I do not just work at your house. I work at other houses, with other lists of chores to do and other ways of doing things. If you need to train me when I come, please don’t act like it is an imposition on you or your time. I want to do things the way you want them. If you tell me too many things to do at once, I may not remember the specifics. Please give me a chance to remember them. A list will help me, too.

I may work for several agencies. All the agencies are in business to make money, and what they charge you is usually double what I make. I am assigned by the office staff without knowing much of anything about you or your loved one, and they can play favorites with some caregivers and not others. If I do not take a job, they may fire me and/or say there is no work.

Imagine my job again. I see your loved one at their most vulnerable, and sometimes most uncooperative. I help them do the things they do not want to do—take a shower, change clothes, shave, comb hair, walk, exercise, brush teeth, etc. I must find my own way of working with your loved one, so I need a little time to get to know him or her. What works one day may not work the next. So, I will try different ways to get the job done. Have confidence in me. Say thank you Look at me when I ask you something, and do not judge me on one visit or by one mistake. Greet me when I arrive. Yes, I am a stranger in your house. But I am here. And you asked for me to help. That is what I do best.