The Role of Empathy in Caregiving

I am reading the bestselling book titled Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One by Raphaelle Giordano (2018). So far, it is great! At one point in the book, Claude explains to Camille that she is a people-pleaser and defines that as “always trying to satisfy the other person’s wishes and (you) end up sacrificing your own.” This is why so much of the literature focuses on caregivers taking care of THEMSELVES, so they are better able to care for those IN their care. But then Claude goes on to say it is good to have empathy (defined as being concerned about another’s well-being), but there is a difference between ‘dry empathy’ and ‘wet empathy’. He states wet empathy involves taking on the other person’s negative emotions and drama. Dry empathy, in contrast, involves hearing and sharing others’ issues but “you don’t let yourself get contaminated by their dark thoughts. You put up a protective shield that stops you from getting dragged down” (p. 81). He suggests when we hoard those negative emotions from wet empathy, we get overloaded and either explode in anger or, as I would like to add, internalize those emotions which can then harm us in turn. Many years ago, my mentor cautioned me about the dangers of being a therapist in social work and not having a way to release the residue—he called it baggage—that he accumulated from hearing other’s problems day in and day out. He believed he suffered many health issues because of not letting that drama drift away after a session.

So, I got stuck at this point of the book. I would go so far as to say I had an epiphany about my own behavior regarding my mother's caring for my dad. I was trying to control the situation and set it up so she did not have the ability (and I acted like she did not have the good judgment, either) to make the best decisions in caring for dad. By getting angry with her about her detachment from him—not taking him places, using the TV as a sitter, not taking him to treat his back pain, etc.—I was also making it less likely that she would change her actions in the future. She was bombarded with my suggestions, and I just perpetuated her frustration by reflecting it back on her. I was soaking her –probably drowning her—in my own wet empathy and endless criticism.

Daniel Goleman, the author of the book Emotional Intelligence (1995), wrote an article summarizing a conversation he had with Paul Ekman, a renowned expert on emotion. Ekman described three ways others’ feelings can be sensed or felt. The first he calls cognitive empathy, the ability to think what the other person might be thinking and feeling. The downfall to this type of empathy in isolation is that it lacks the sympathy component and can be used to the advantage of someone who desires to manipulate others. Ekman then described emotional empathy. This is when one physically mirrors the emotions of the other person—we see this in parents, romantic relationships, nursing, sales, etc. The downside of this form of empathy is the potential for burnout if the mirroring person cannot manage their own emotions. An extreme response to this, according to the article, would be when detachment leads to indifference.

The third type of empathy is what Ekman calls compassionate empathy–when one can “understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, but are spontaneously moved to help, if needed.” The compassionate caregiver offers the tools necessary to help; the resources are there if the person is willing, able, and ready to accept it. In my opinion, this quality is present in the absolute best caregivers, as well as those who try to help others in their caregiving journey.

Source:

Giordano R. (2018). Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One. (N. Caistor, Trans.). New York, NY: G.P. Putnam’s Sons.

Goleman D. (1995) Emotional Intelligence. New York, NY: Bantam Books.