Change It Up - Five Ways to Break an Evil Spell

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. – E. E. Cummings

We do not need magic to transform our world, we carry all the power we need

inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better. –J. K. Rowling

We meet resistance daily in dementia care. It’s rough. Routine is paramount and necessary to get through the day but there are times when dad digs in his heels and won’t budge. Times when he gets aggressive and tries to bite, kick or swing at us. He is attempting to communicate with us that he does not like what is going on, that he hurts or is protesting something. After deciphering what he needs, we need to get past that resistance and complete the task. We are stuck in the moment.

I had a mentor, Brent Fisher. He was a LMSW, Methodist minister, and a man of much wisdom. I do not know where he got this information and have not been able to find the source he used, but he was of Jungian thought and believed there was symbolism in dreams and messages to be deciphered in patterns and life. At the time, I was in a dead-end marriage with a man who had been abused and was addicted to various substances and activities. I did not know this, however, and was trying to elicit change in a man I thought I loved. Brent told me there were 5 ways to break an evil spell – and what he called old patterns of behavior.

Brent told me one of the best ways to break out of a persistent pattern is through laughter. If someone can make you laugh, that mind set of anger or depression or mood will be replaced and redirected to something else, if only for a moment. That is an immensely powerful moment.

Affection is another way to ‘break the spell’ as Brent used to say. A short back rub, light touch on an arm, a peck on the cheek or forehead, are all universal demonstrations of affection.

The third is rescue. This includes having someone to talk to or inviting someone to take you out of the situation. (Many marital affairs might fall under this category, unfortunately). Attending support groups, having someone to talk to that has been in a similar situation or is simply a good listener is another form of rescue. Distracting yourself with a different activity –even exercise—is another. Some read a few pages in a book; others bake, color, or craft. The diversity of rescue is quite amazing!!

The fourth way to break the evil spell he mentioned is trickery. This involves tricking yourself into things like imagining what the next moment might hold. It also concerns making things sound or appear differently than they are. A technique called paradoxical intentionality can appear to work as trickery. A troubled couple has scheduled time of day to argue and a time limit of 10 minutes. This is the only time during the day when arguing is allowed, and disagreements and discussion are saved and only discussed during this time. By allowing the arguing to occur, it happens less frequently when confined to the time stated. When the time for venting arrives, anger has dissipated and does not boil to the surface, or it loses intensity. This is partly because the arguing behavior is sanctioned. Trickery also works due to the element of surprise. For example, dad would sometimes try to kick while he was getting into bed or changed. One time mom asked him jokingly if he was trying to play footsie. Aha!! Dad’s expression totally changed, and he stopped kicking. That response was not something he expected.

The fifth is magic. Brent described a magician as having the ability to take something ordinary and every day and make it into something extraordinary. Dinner time can become magical by setting a tablecloth using LED candles or shaking up the routine by exaggerating or embellishing part of it. Another example might be to have dinner on lap trays with music playing in the background. Have dessert first or breakfast foods for supper. Dance a bit—I have seen plenty of IWD dance in wheelchairs and with walkers. The transformative power of changing the routine by making it a tiny bit special can change the mood for all.

All these ways can be used to address the dementia roadblocks that zap our strength and typically evoke frustration. Dad will not drink. He does not want to get changed up. He is now angry, and mom is getting angry, too. The conflict cycle must be interrupted. There are multiple ways to do this. I ask dad if he is a camel since he doesn’t want to drink. He looks at me puzzled, and then smiles. The spell is being lifted. I go into the kitchen and fix him something I call Oasis Water. It is basically something I concoct on the spur of the moment, maybe putting a cherry into his drink or a little food coloring to make it different. I use a fancy glass and find a straw. I have changed ordinary things so they do not appear to be the same. Maybe it works to get him to drink. Maybe it doesn’t, but at least he’s not angry now. For the affection, I give him a kiss on the forehead, while holding his glass to give him a sip. He takes it, not even realizing he is drinking. Rescue might include telling him it must be difficult being encouraged to drink all the time. Telling him that sometimes, you know he is probably not even thirsty. The trickery might be telling him that if he takes a drink now, you will not ask him again for at least 10 minutes. Just make sure the drink is in front of him in case he gets the urge to take a sip—and you keep your word. The magic might be taking his normal beverage of choice and heating or cooling it or adding ice cream to make a shake or float.

The bottom line in all these ways is transformation. You are changing the pattern to a bit of the unexpected. After all these years and his passing, my mentor continues to be a genius in my book. And now that is literally, too!